The Lyrical Vampyrical

Narcissists are psychological vampires, feeding on people’s emotions, draining them until they have nothing left to give. They are among the most self-centred, self absorbed, obnoxious and arrogant individuals that have ever walked the Earth. However, most of them are also the high achievers, academic, intellectual, articulate, beautiful, prosperous people that walk the Earth. The majority of famous performers, leaders and diplomats were/are narcissists. It can be argued, that:

Hitler, was a narcissist.

Churchill, was a narcissist.

I, am a narcissist. All be it in a different way; the underlying principle still remains. I want people to recognise that I am different and can make a difference. I do not strive to be world-famous; in fact, the prospect terrifies me. But I do have some sort of superiority complex; I guess is the best way to describe it, in that I believe that the majority of my abilities supersede the average population.

These beliefs are not always based on fact, though I do feel angry when my immediate family fail to acknowledge that being the first person to achieve not only an undergraduate, but also a postgraduate degree, is quite something, I feel undercut. Why do they not see just how great this is? So, then I doubt myself, my self-belief is cushed, and I need support; from someone, anyone who can make me feel better. I want them to listen, validate, agree, and encourage my opinion on this matter.

Most people in this situation would call it ‘venting’. Sure, we all need to vent from time to time, and I believe that those of us who don’t are in denial or have other mental issues, but not the degree of the narcissist. For the narcissist it is more a form of ‘offloading’ all negative thoughts and feelings to do with ‘the self’ unto another who can carry and dispose of this, allowing the narcissist to feel good about themselves once again. Another way of looking at this is; the narcissist feeds off of all the positivity, optimism, self assurance and  happiness, draining the victim dry of their hopes, dreams and aspiration, leaving the narcissist full-filled.

 

Relationship Rehabilitation

Unreal expectations, hopeful revelations, the narcissist expects too much of love. Yet they do not realise there is such a thing. I’ve been told I’m “too picky,” and “demanding,” and “high maintenance,” that I “jump in the deep end,” and “the whirpool,” all manner of terms, phrases, descriptions that basically all say the same thing, which is that I want too much from my love life. But it’s me and why should I expect anything less than perfection or as god damn close as I can? Isn’t the point of a relationship to be happy in it and be in it because you want to and choose to? I’d rather be on my own any day than in any realtionship that isn’t fulfilling me at least 80% of the time, which I understand from many sources is a good rule of thumb.

Most narcissists have an inhrent need for people, this is where I defy the stereotype and use my “Blade” analogy as described in a different post. They may be co-dependent and with a person of “weaker” character and lesser intelligence who they are able to manipulate and sustain with minimal risk of causing that person to reject them. They have a lack of respect to start with and this only increases as the manipulation continues and the person becomes more and more emotionally drained by the narcissists constant and consistent subtle belittling and negative attitude.

Though most people will not have the patience or lack of self respect to tolerate a narcissist for too long. Most are socially inept despite their ability to appear confident and mould themselves to appeal to each individuals requirements. Many narcissists are reknowned for forming intense, short-term relationships and I do fit in to the category rather nicely. I’m good at reading people, at analaysing them in a very short amount of time and drawing my conclusions, so I decide if like someone or not almost instantly. It then takes me a conversation or two decide if they’re someone I can be bothered to get to know and by the end of the first meeting, if I want to keep in touch.

This is bad with regards to relationships as I get the “instant relationship syndrome,” which apparently makes people go “ewww.” Kind of like if you meet someone and immediately say to them, “Hi, you’re attractive, shall we just skip the drinks and dinner and get straight on to the sex.” Hmmmmmm, some of you are probably sitting there thinking “wahey.” I would also bet money that over 90% of you who did have some kind of mental issues or havn’t been laid for at least a year and are male. But I would imagine most of you cringed and felt pretty disgusted by the thought, or burst out in hysterical laughter at the prospect of shooting them down spectacularly. Girls, I’m sure the more light hearted of you would think of a few funnies. Anyway, point is, it’s not attractive to most people, quite the opposite.

I do find I literally can’thelp myself, whether the behaviour is encouraged or not the feelings overwhelm me and I begin to paint a picture of this person and how they will be able to influence my life and make me feel happy and content and I begin to imagine future events and interactions. It’s an unstoppable force, a chain reaction, once it starts a nuclear explosion in my mind that; when it inevitably goes “tits up,” leaves a massive crater of debris and destruction and any life left over is infected with the nuclear poison and becomes mutated. OK so that’s a pretty nasty vivid description of the inner workings of my mind, but it paints the picture right.

The solution is simple, go slow, it is however, as is everything, easier said than done. Well, it is easy, when I don’t feel anything, but then, what the hell is the point! I don’t want a realtionship with someone I don’t “feel it” for, the whole idea is that person becomes the priority in your life. I would never considered getting engaged to anyone who I didn’t feel ready to die for unconditionally, for that’s what it’s all about. I’m a narcissist for christ sake that’s got to be ultimate proof that’s the person I should marry. If I don’t feel it for someone, I just don’t fucking care to be frank. If I don’t care then I can’t be bothered, if I can’t be bothered I don’t make an effort and well, you get the idea. I’ve never really cared much for someone in that sense I don’t feel it for.

Alas I know this is something I really, especially after all that has happened, attempt to implement. Be friends first, that’s important, of course you want to be friends first with the person you’re contemplating getting so intimiate with you may potentially share offspring with, eww gross, defintiely make sure that doesn’t happen! For me I would like my potential partner to be my best friend, which seems ironic when I reflect on my behaviour in such matters. So friends first. Values and traits, if one of you insists on church morning noon and night and the other is an aethiest, well, it’s common sense really. Compatability in the sense of humour, intellect, interests and outlook on life are all really important. Someone who is willing to offer me automatic support, loyalty, honesty and respect. This is all logic based analysis though and the feeling factor can not be dismissed or ignored.

I want and need someone that I feel deeply connected to on all levels; emotional, intellectual and spiritual. Someone I am attracted to on all level; emotional, intellectual, spiritual and physical. Someone with whom I share interests, desires, aims, and aspirations. Who I am compatible with so that we are able to tolerate each other’s flaws, but recognise they are what define us and only help us to connect and grow with each other. A person who adores, cherishes, nutures and respects me with a selfless devotion that is not obligatory but voluntary because they want to give all of themselves and their commitment to me and will only have their happiness and contentment deepened by my desire to give back to them, a union of pleasure, fulfillment and contentment that enhances and already fulfilled life for us both.

I believe I may have found that person, for once, I have hope for the future! I hope I don’t destroy it.

 

The Consequences of Crossing Lines and Limits

I always do, without fail. I am the bad influence, the sadistic voice in your ear whispering, “push harder, don’t stop, keep going, it could be so much worse.”  But through reaching their limits, I found my own. Alas, I knew it wasn’t yet over. Circumstances on Boxing day meant our paths crossed yet again. I was approached with a sickly smug air of arrogance so obvious I felt like lashing out there and then. However, my manipulative side and desire to damage left me feeling devious . . .

What I did was quite horrific, bearing in mind this person has now lost everything, admittedly this does leave me with some feeling of self satisfaction; in some respects I had a hand in this. So I decided to rub salt in the wound, jeering for their losses and failures as a human being and to fully satisfy my sadistic sense of humour, I told them that I’d never meant any of it; it was all a game to me I carried out for the thrill of it, because I like a challenge and getting what I want.

Their eyes narrowed and a look of desolation etched across their face, every wrinkle in their brow appeared to suck the will to live from them. After laughing in their face I sauntered off to buy myself a drink and when I returned they’d gone. My sibling saw to that, a blatant “fuck off” and reiteration of their worthlessness was all that was required to send them exactly where I wanted them to go. Or so I thought.

Later that night one of their siblings announced they needed to leave to get them from hospital. Feeling unconcerned I made a flippant comment about how they always manage to ruin everything for everyone, as it was their other siblings birthday. I went to bed feeling rather smug and sure of myself at the outcome of the situation, but I couldn’t shift the dull ache of longing that still remains.

The next day my sibling informed me that night they had attempted to take their own life for the third time in the space of three years, then it hit me; the degree of self loathing  they suffered, although mostly self inflicted, was masked more heavily than I’d originally anticipated. Their shield of defenses was penetrated too easily once faced with another who equals them in intelligence and articulate abilities. While the shield is down, the mask can be removed and the armour penetrated, striking straight through the heart, rendering them void of hope.

Multiversal Convergence of the Mind: When Narcissists Collide

What happens when two people with very narcissistic chararctersitics become involved in a relationship with one another . . . total mass destruction! And it seemed this experience of mine has only reinforced this  theory. Although it may at first glance appear to be a perfect match, it turns out to be quite the opposite. Narcissists tend to have rather aggressive and competitive personalities and by nature, always wanting to be the ‘top dog’ in the relationship. Although this starts off fun and interesting, eventually this energy and enthusiasm wanes draining both parties until neither have anything left to give one another. The fire burns fast and free, wild and out of control, the fuel is consumed fast and it quickly burns out. This analogy represents the passion within this type of relationship.

Initially, there is that ‘wow’ moment where you feel delighted at having found someone who appears to see the World just like you. However, the sharing of strengths is spectacularly unraveled by the sharing of weaknesses. Not only are you both egotistical and arrogant, you are insecure and driven by an unknown fear. Social interactions are misinterpreted and a relationship in which both parties are emotionally retarded to some degree is doomed to failure. Attention seeking through exaggeration and sporadic misinterpreted events eventually build a tension that can not be ignored. The continuous cycle of feeding off one another’s vulnerabilities until; one party’s wall will come crashing down leaving them exposed and vulnerable, liable to lash out or disappear altogether.

Narcissists drain each other dry, until there is noting left but an empty shell void of all feeling and emotion. Te spirit is broken, the passion destroyed and the energy depleted. The narcissist has no choice but to go back to the start and rebuild themselves from the broken pieces left over.

Social Ineptivity

It seems only apt that this follow on from my previous post. I would class myself as suffering a slight form of social ineptivity; autism and asperger’s have been mentioned to me by family member’s and fellow peers: all in a positive and loving way, of course. I find the more I continue to trapse through life the more this seems to become apparent.

I now find that despite my craving for emotional intimacy and acceptance, my compulsion to reject them is also rife. Despite longing to wake up next to someone and share my life with another, I can’t bear the thought of giving up my independence and not have to compromise and consider another’s feelings and emotions. All in all, I feel torn.

This seemed to develop following my move back to Portsmouth and my twenty sixth birthday. I’m definitely in a happier, more positive place than I was in Kent and I have got over the initial ‘down’ phase I experienced leading up to my birthday. I feel more ‘content’ in myself in that I know who I am and what I want, my goals are clearer and more defined and my concept of dreams and reality is less skewed.

A friend put it in to context very effectively by describing it as ‘growing in to yourself and filling your own shoes’. This is very true for me and leads nicely in to this subject as I find the more I become comfortable filling my own shoes, the harder I find it to walk in others; something which is crucial for a successful relationship. Sitting here, writing and thinking, imagining how I feel when I first wake up, before I attempt to put my head down at night, the more I struggle to put it in to words.

I am experiencing great internal conflict, an epic battle within between two very different aspects of myself; one wishes to reject change and remain a soloist social singleton governed by a youthful mind, the other craves to let the natural progression in to maturity take over and settle. The crux of both of these experiences is fear; a fear which has created a natural stalemate between two phases of life, which has brought progression to a sudden halt.

It is difficult to determine the basis for this fear and I could analyse and discuss it for years but the cause is irrelevant, the effect is what is causing a hinderance in my life; an ultimate lack of progress. My inability to identify emotions and feelings within myself has created a complete lack of ability to empathise and identify with others. I have become withdrawn, everything is focussed within and there is very little room to express myself without. This internal struggle I have created for myself will only b solved once I have learned to let go; of my vulnerability, pride and self loathing. Only then will this allow me to open up to the joys of experiencing life with another and remain fully present as my true and authentic self.

Emotionally Unavailable = “Challenge”

Following further research in to NPD and further analysis of my previous relationships, I think I’ve cracked the pattern . . . All the one’s I’ve fallen for, without exception, have been emotionally unavailble. I was only able to realise this recently thanks to my sister’s input and a conversation about the most recent incident with a past conquest.

The two that stumped me and upset the overall pattern were R and JB. The others I had all figured out within nanoseconds but these two definitely did not fit the “emotionally unavailable” stereotype that explained all the others so well. I had been in a relationship with R for over three years between the ages seventeen and twenty and had maintained a ten month casual, “friends with benefits” relationship with JB, though I ended up developing more intimate feelings. This ended on mutual agreement due to a change in circumstances for us both.

After much deliberation it turns out that these two are in fact, also “emotionally unavailable.” R my sister worked out; R was emotionally unavailable because they were too laid back to the point of being down right lazy to give me what I needed. At first, I didn’t get this because R was always the “emotional contributor” to the relationship initiating all feelings based conversations and generally being the emotional focus of the relationship which suited me just fine. This was a great boost of self esteem and a regualr ego stroke and led to me developing a hero worship infatuation for R as I felt they’d saved me from a bad situation at the time. It was in other aspects that R failed me and I began to devalue them as a person. They were very gifted musically which, as a teenager, was something I held in high regard and felt R was special but lacked intellect and creativity which have always been my strengths. Ultimately it was R’s lack of drive and ambition to pursue a career, or even hold down a regular job that really turned me off. It was the loss of the intial “spark” of passion and subtle displays of intimacy and affection due to lack of attentiveness from R that caused me to regress emotionally until I became just as repressd, if not more so, than when we had first met and eventually R initiated the final ending. Expressing doubts about how they felt about being in a relationship with me so I ended it. I felt satisfied that I had made the official cut, but I never really coped or dealt with this.

JB answered this during a conversation the other night that surrounded the most recent incident. JB was unable to understand how I was able to find JM2 attractive in any way after all that had happened. This is when I discussed my hypothesis surrounding “emotional unavailability” = challenge which they attemted to shoot down. I began to discuss that my feelings towards them were misplaced in the pattern. JB attempted to justify that I’d never had really had feelings for them as a person, I just found them attractive and because our situation was nice and easy I trnaslated this to wanting to pursue a relationship. I asserted my opinion on JB that I know my own feelings and although they wern’t as sudden as usual they became just as intense over time which was more healthy, then I began to retrace my steps surrounding what was going on at the time. I started seeing JB soon after walking out on  my previous ex for cheating (not wanting me = emotionally unavailable) and as I was in the process of getting over this, JB grew to like their love interest more deeply with time. As JB’s love grew for this other person, so did my feelings towards JB, so the more “emotionally unavailable” JB became, the more I wanted them.

So this explains my negative, narcissistic pattern surrounding relationships in general. Most often feelings burst forth fast and intense, compelling me to make decisions I know will probably lead to me getting hurt and rejected but I do them anyway because the feeling compells me to take that chance and risk knowing that really it is illogical and irrational and the pattern suggests tis is only getting worse with time.

I believe the underlying feeling that compells me to “go for it” is that deep down I know that I will never be able to achieve what I truly desire with an emotionally unavailable person who in reality, is unable to give me the most basic requirement of humanity which is emotional intimacy. Something I also find myself struggling to be able to express or give to someone else. I don’t even really understand what this means. I’ve just come to expect that consequences surrounding relationships and emotional situations won’t last and will end in hurt and rejection for me and a part of me is afraid of it so subconsciously, this is what I seek.

Another aspect is that an emotionally unavailable person is a true challenge. To “win” them over and get them to fantasise or engage in an emotional connection with me on any level is an achievement, though ultimately this is my undoing as I am unable to handle this. However I still get that sense of pride and achievement having got what I wanted. Now that I reflect I notice this particularly in the last incident with JM2 who started off engaged. I never thought they actually would go through with leaving their fiance in the first place, I was unable to handle the situation following that, whcih became too emotionally intense too quickly for us both and essentially, I don’t think JM2 ever fully left their fiance from an emotional perspective, there was always an open door and JM2 knew that their partner would wait for them unconditionally which is exactly how it worked and this then leads me on to the realisation that it would never have workedanyway, what with JM2 also being narcissistic in a lot of their behaviours, but that’s dealt with in another post: When Narcissists Collide.

At the same time, I was also ‘seeing’ AH, who was and still is emotionally available to me. The experience involving JM2 and AH really helped me to understand my natural ability to subconsciously manipulate people and get what (I think) I want. AH did not start out interested in me; well, at least they never let on they were. It was I who had the initial curiosity and decided to pursue the matter to see were it would lead. In-between time feelings developed between myself and JM2. This resulted in me rejecting AH who took it quite well and dismissed it as not being that interested in the first place, almost handing me a ‘get out of jail free’ card. Following the disintegration of the ‘relationship’ between myself and JM2, I told AH everything.

To my surprise AH was willing to forgive and give things another go. I was not expecting this, it was not a part of the ‘plan’ which I had formulated in my subconscious; it didn’t fit, the logical thing to do, what I would do, would be to have noting more to do with me. I realise now this is a reflection of just how much AH was and still is in to me and for this I do feel . . . not good. Yet at the same time triumphant at my manipulative power. In the same breath it reflects my emotional retardation on another level. I was interested all the time that AH was emotionally unavilable to me, as soon as they opened up and became emotionally available, I lost interest.

Several months later AH has made it very clear they are still just as interested and I still just as uninterested; in fact uninterested is an understatement. I am now finding the mild infatuation of AH with myself rather annoying, I feel irritable and become snappy and pissed offin their presence. I feel they encroach my personal space on all levels whenever I am in their company and even when I am not. I find myself going out of my way to avoid confrontation with them. All in all, I am rejecting the emotional intimacy they are offering to me. In fact I am spitting it right back in their face.

Yet I still fantasise and long for emotionally intimate relationships with the likes of JM2 and CT and several others who made it quite clear that manipulated or not, they have no longing for such a thing with me.

Daydreamer Believer

I sleep mostly during the day hence the title for this post. I have many revelations and answers that come to me during the realms of my hypnogogic episodes. I believe this state inbetween consciousness and unconsciousness allows the transition whereby the subsoncscious manifests itself in a way the conscious is able to interpret it. I believe that this is responsible for the powers of the imagination and the infinite scope of ideas realeased from the human brain. It is like we all have our own perosn all inner muse. Though some more than others. From answers to ideas, this state plays a very important part in progress and understanding.